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Facing a verbally abusive situation is emotionally and physically draining. In addition, many victims of abuse find that alcohol plays a factor in how their circumstances play out daily. As someone who lived in a relationship of verbal abuse, alcohol, and substance abuse, I found the combination of these outside elements intensified an already negative situation.
It’s one thing to say that the opinions of others don’t matter, but actually believing these words to be true is another beast entirely. Growing up, people had a bad habit of telling me who I was, what I offered, and even who I was going to be. Sometimes I would brush these comments off, but I would mostly let them sit and fester until the line between what I believed and what others believed of me blurred. I was susceptible to the thoughts and expectations of others because I lost touch with my sense of self. Our sense of self is like a river flowing through every ocean of our life. It’s the birthplace of thoughts, actions, and patterns. What we think of ourselves drives how we live our lives. When that sense of self is rattled and easily shaken, we leave the door open for the unfounded opinions of others to walk right in and sit on the metaphorical couch that is our mind. When our sense of self is stable and fortified, well, the door is just that, locked and bolted.
I will never forget one specific breakfast during my time in residential treatment. An on-staff clinician supervising the meal told me to throw out my pancakes and grab a new batch. When I asked her why, the answer was confusing, but as with most rules at this inpatient facility, it left no room for further questions. "You spread peanut butter on your pancakes—that's a food ritual," she replied. So I mutely tossed them in the trash, reached for another stack, and ate every single bite. That brief incident took place over 10 years ago, but it's still fresh in my mind for one particular reason: I love peanut butter on pancakes and always have. Is this not acceptable in eating disorder recovery? Is it a food preference or a food ritual? Moreover, how do I spot the difference?
I haven’t heard schizoaffective voices in over a year. I am so elated about this, especially since I’ve struggled with auditory hallucinations since my first and only psychotic episode in 1998 when I was 19 years old. Being free of the voices is absolutely liberating.
If you've ever asked yourself the question, "Why do I feel like hurting myself when I'm mad?" know that you are not alone.
Thanks to attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), I'm easily distracted. This is especially difficult when I spend time on YouTube binges or scrolling through social media apps, even though I'd earmarked that time for working.
Hello, everybody, and welcome to my first official installment of "How to Live a Blissful Life." If I weren't in such an atrocious mood, I'd be happy to be here, but unfortunately, I'm in a bit of a tizzy. For the better part of a day, I've been hacking my way through the unforgiving jungle of my mind with my machete of words in order to deliver you something brilliant for this inaugural post. About an hour ago, I punctuated my final sentence and gave the piece I'd just barely conquered a once over. It was bad. It was really, really bad. It was drowning in inauthenticity and pretension, and I wouldn't have let you touch it with a 10-foot stick.
In this video, I talk about one of my secret tricks to self-soothing when borderline personality disorder (BPD) symptoms are triggered.
When you deal with anxiety, it's hard to stop yourself from also feeling sad and hopeless. There are a few reasons for this, and for myself, I've found that this has happened to me because dealing with constant anxiety can be extremely exhausting. But I've also found that this has happened to me because the overwhelming feelings and constant worry that go along with anxiety are negative feelings by nature. It's hard to feel positive feelings about anything when you're overcome with anxiety. (Note: This post contains a trigger warning.)
As someone who lives with borderline personality disorder (BPD) and complex posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), I'm engaged in a daily struggle to maintain my sanity. What impacts my sanity the most is the belief that I've said or done something to interfere with other people's sanity. I've learned that the best way to interfere with other people's sanity is to become involved with them in intimate relationships. That way, I can offer them front-row seats to witness my cyclical descent into instability and be swept up into it themselves whenever they try to bring order to my intermittently untameable internal chaos. I don't know how to stay sane, in love, or out of it. When it comes to relationships, all I seem to do is bring my partners into the eye of the storm of a woman who's lost her center and herself.
All my memories in regard to the early stages of abuse have faded in and out over the years. I remember when it first happened, when it got serious, and when it started taking a toll on my mental development and how I perceive sex and relationships.
I began consuming unhealthy amounts of pornographic content, then I began re-exposing myself to sexual abuse by talking to strangers online, I began engaging in promiscuous behaviors and acts, developing destructive kinks on the brink of abuse, and then I went so far as to take explicit and compromising photos of myself which were then sent to a stranger online who wanted to hurt me for his own fun.
I've since stopped a majority of those activities, all that remains is my unhealthy relationship with pornographic content, and residual promiscuous behaviors which I deter by interacting only with family, friends, and coworkers since it's only then my promiscuous behaviors never occur.
I've also found better ways to cope without being destructive to myself, through working out, doing art, and having the occasional self-hug and cry session taking a moment to remind myself I'm okay, and that my emotions are valid.
I haven't yet begun to truly heal from the years of physical and mental abuse, but with each day I'm getting better.
My ultimate reasoning for typing this was just to let someone out there know that I'm doing okay...
I'd been abused at the age of around 7 to 9, and I'm not sure, but there may be some other trauma that has been repressed.
I am now in my teens and frequently 'space out', talk to myself in whispers, and hear voices in my head.
I've taken a couple DID/OSDD quizzes, and I've gotten 'high risk' results, but I cannot get professionally diagnosed yet.
I've convinced myself that I don't have trauma and it's just me overreacting, and that the voices are just a method of 'playing pretend'.
Could anyone possibly give me insight as to knowing if I'm faking or not?