娜塔莎，我哭着读你的文章……我正处于严重的抑郁症之中(我有躁郁症)，早上醒来时，我的大脑里有太多的活动，我只想停止它。我在短时间内感觉好多了，然后它就会卷土重来。由于政府关门，我失去了工作，我崩溃了，再次住进了医院。再一次，药物不起作用，我躺在床上，不停地担心下一份工作，担心失败，担心无家可归。我在脑海中回想生活中所有消极的事情，当我专注于积极的事情时，就会发现积极的事情并不多。所有“你能行”的咒语和“你是一个坚强的女人”都变得单调。想着自己开车去医院，穿着纸西装和红袜子坐5个小时(大家看，我疯了!!)然后躺在一张薄薄的床上，床单和毯子都很粗糙，没有毛巾洗澡，地板很脏，到处都是蚂蚁，其他人哭着狂笑，不停地喃喃自语和愤怒，只希望一杯冷水....每天被问15次我是否有自杀倾向，医生一个接一个地问……你感觉怎么样，跟我说说你的心情。这一切都是为了让我感觉好点吗?? Here take this pill. What do you think, do you want to try it? What are all of the other pills you are on??? If I could be admitted to a clean facility that respected the dignity of their patients and were experts in the field of mental illness, I would go. The facilities we have here add to the anxiety and make it more difficult to cope I think about the shower...the floor blackened with mold and crumbling apart, the sliver of soap and drying myself off with 6 tablecloths as there were no towels. Wanting a glass of cold water but waiting for the nurse to stop texting on his phone. The nurse who cursed because my line fell out when I turned over and she flipped me back and scolded me. So of I reveal my true feelings of what my mind is dealing with, back I go to live through this again. I know I am in a bad spot. I pray for those few lapses of release, the sleep that is the escape. The trying over and over again to not think of worst case scenarios. The wanting to get up in the morning but the body is heavy and if I can just close my eyes and have that sleep...that momentary escape...please let it come.