我的生活很艰难。我妈妈16岁时生下了我。大约一年后，我们搬到了亚利桑那州的凤凰城，一切都很顺利，直到我父亲(他患有严重的躁郁症)决定他不需要靠药物来获得快乐。大约一周后，他摔断了脚踝，接受了氢可酮(hydrocodone)治疗。我的父亲一生都在遭受毒瘾的折磨，但在此之前，他已经戒掉了7年。后来情况变得很糟，我妈妈不得不把他赶出家门，两周后他死于吸毒过量。大约两个月后，我们全家搬回了我们的家乡。大约一个月后，我妈妈开始和我爸爸的好朋友尼克约会。尼克(当我第一次见到他时)是一个非常有趣，容光焕发的家伙，他总是让我笑。不久之后，他搬进了那所房子，露出了他的真面目。 For 5 years I was emotionally and physically abused. One day in my 6th grade Nick was coming down off of 100 mg of adderall and in a fit of rage completely beat the shit out of me and then sent me to school. When I got home I saw that I had a text from Nick saying we would finish the conversation we had started in the morning when he got home. At this point I immediately called my mom in a panic hoping she'd believe me and come home she then called the police and kicked him out of the house. After this happened I started to feel this feeling in my stomach that I was alone and that everyone hated me and I would feel like a was sinking. After about a year of this happening I was in the 8th grade and started hanging out with my best friend Noah all the time. We tried weed a few times and liked it and then started doing pills hardcore. Xanax, Percocet, adderall, hydros, anything that would temporarily numb the pain we did. Eventually I got caught and when my mom asked me why I did these things I told her the truth. I constantly have this feeling that I'm alone and I feel like I'm sinking into a pit of darkness and sadness and then i start to think about my future and how I could die alone without anyone there with me. smoking and pills are the only way to help me it feels like because when I'm not high or on pills I constantly feel like this and if this feeling doesn't go away soon I feel like I may make it stop.