我已经从这段20多年的虐待关系中走出来4年了。他仍然通过我们的孩子融入我的生活。在某种程度上，我谨慎地允许这样做，因为我担心如果我不“喂野兽”会发生什么。我仍然无法感受到创伤带来的情感。我毫不费力地剪了下来。我不明白在虐待行为方面，健康的界限是什么样的。所以我质疑一切，把一切都个人化。我每时每刻都高度警惕，甚至在我该睡觉的时候。当没有人真正想要我的力量时，我一直在战斗以保持我的力量。当我做以上所有事情的时候，我都能完全意识到这一点。 I find myself lost in formulating a sentence to respond to important questions or conversation with my boyfriend because any response I come up with is a defense and cannot find anything else beyond defense to respond. So I don't respond at all. Well no response that is also not too vulnerable. So I literally can't speak. It makes me feel ill. I avoid approaching conflict at all cost, including people I know. I'm utterly lost in this new world of mine. It's at times unbearable and feels hopeless. I do not trust anyone and the monster still lurks. I never feel safe and do not believe anyone cam or will protect me. I don't know how much longer I can last in this. I do not and never will want him back. I have no love for him, he repulses me. I know exactly what he's thinking when he looks at me and I know what his words truly mean. He refers to me as ex-wife. Not my name. He compares all current women to me, out loud and directly to them. Makes it blatantly obvious he's still very much obsessed with me. It makes my skin crawl. He makes my skin crawl. So I hold no loving feelings for him. I don't want him anywhere near me, let alone back intimately. I just don't know anything else other than what I had to be to survive in the relationship. I'm still living every day as if I'm still there. And searching for a new way of life when you didn't know another one even existed is like walking in pitch darkness. What am I supposed to even be looking for?