我的父母过去经常吵架当我还是个孩子的时候,我爸爸会打破东西,尖叫我的妈妈,我妈妈会做同样的事情。我曾经亲眼目睹我爸爸把妈妈打到半死,但她去了医院,撒了谎,说她跳而从酒吧走回家。我母亲是不负责任的,把我的小妹妹,一个新生儿,独自一人在黑暗的房间里,哭,直到她无法呼吸。她经常喝醉,从来没有我和姐妹们去上学。我爸爸通常去工作,但是当他回家,他喝醉了,抽烟杂草和我妈妈,然后他们就开始战斗。我不记得一天我没在半夜醒来,听到如果我父母紧张。当我六岁时,我的哥哥开始调戏我,承诺我的事情如果我让他碰我。我不知道,我只是一个孩子。他直到我九岁。我的父母以前抓到他,抚摸我的小妹妹,但他说他将会停止,他们让他留下来。 Then they found out that he was still doing it to me, and they kicked him out. But they never told the police, and they never got me the help I deserve, but I'm too scared to tell people face to face. Hell, to this day I see him sometimes, my father pretends it never happened. Then, my mom left my dad after having an affair. She left my sisters and I, and she never showed up to the custody hearing, so we were left with my father. Everything was okay at first. My dad wasn't drinking, or smoking weed. I thought everything was okay, and then he started drinking again, and since my mom wasn't here, he began to fight with me. He still does to this day. He says that I'm a disappointment and that he doesn't love me, he tells me I'm a whore and mentally ill like my mother. Once, he had been drinking and had fallen asleep, and in his sleep he had knocked over a cup of water. He got up, blamed me for doing it, and when I told him he was being ridiculous, he grabbed me forcefully and threw me to the floor in my bedroom, and then slammed the door shut. In another separate incident, he punched a hole in my bedroom door in a fit of rage. His ex girlfriend who had seen the whole thing had called CPS on him, and I lied to them, because I'm scared of getting him in trouble. He always tells me that I'm ungrateful and that he breaks his back working to put a roof over my head. Even when he's not drunk, he doesn't take me seriously and gets angry at me. I feel like a coward, because just tonight, he made my little sister cry, but I was too scared to confront him because last time I did he had gotten extremely angry at me and I had to leave the hose and stand in the cold for nearly two hours until he calmed down. Another time, he bothered my other youngest sister in the middle of the night, and was yelling at her, and I got up and told him to stop because it was the middle of the night, he said that the phones were corrupting us and that all we do is use them, so he took them and smashed them. I don't know what to do. I've never been diagnosed with anxiety or depression because my father refuses to get me diagnosed, because he tells me that being medicated is horrible. He won't get me therapy despite how much I ask him. I'm lost, I'm too scared to confront an adult. I know what he's doing is wrong, but I can't bring myself to tell others because in some sick twisted way I love him, I'm scared of what will happen if I tell on him. Maybe in some convoluted way I think it's my fault or that I deserve it. I honestly have no idea what to do.