我自己也一直在挣扎，感觉就像永恒一样。我一直都知道自己有问题。在我的生活中，我从来没有考过a或4.0分，但似乎我实际上比我生活中遇到的每一个人都要好。这就好像我觉得我必须以100英里每小时的速度比其他人快地度过生命，只是为了生存。我不确定是什么导致了什么;快速的思想导致快速的行动，反之亦然。我经常在和别人的谈话中无聊到流泪，在脑海中尖叫着“请快点!”我几乎没有耐心听治疗师说话，因为我可以通过他们的眼神来判断他们后半句话的意思。这个网站对我来说是一个真正的新朋友。只要知道还有其他人的脑子里不停地有各种想法，我现在就不那么孤独了。 I have had insomnia most of my life. Try getting asleep at night with all these thoughts, right. What's weird is that noise effects me something strange, though. That industrial like trance music with exactly the same fast repetitious beat almost make each half of my brain ache and pull at each other. The noise of a vacuum cleaner actually physically pains me, but of course I've learned to use headphones or loud music to mask these things. The hardest thing for me most of my life is remembering my past being so dark, and then realizing that most of it was the part in my head. I'm depressed in the mornings, by lunch I'm almost sociable and normal, and by evenings I want to go dancing or something but just an hour later so exhausted. I'm always tired and rarely get sleep. I'm very defensive about every little comment people have. I have forced myself to not care what others think anymore because in my head I'm practically strangling them until their face is purple for saying one constructive comment about me. I hold grudges forever with people that have wronged me, often yelling and screaming at them in my head as they walk by me. Sometimes I worry that I've said things out loud. I feel like there are certain times throughout the day where my mind is going 1000mph and everyone around me is still at 10mph. It bores me to tears to be a part of conversations these days; often yelling in my head things like "you are such an idiot; talk faster you cow!" Watching someone be rude often evokes an image in my head much like that of a horror movie where I'm stabbing them in the eyes with their own stupid ink pen used to write their dumb checks with in the grocery line. I have had thoughts of being a serial killer and killing myself. Then, the next day I'm a damn angel and everyone loves me. My moods swing like huge ocean waves before a hurricane, and there's no controlling my thoughts most times of the day. The slightest things can set me off. Someone comments about the weather and how they forgot their umbrella today, and I'm yelling in my head "oh you poor little bastard. I feel SO sorry for you, you pampered piece of crap! Shut the hell up you whiner!" I've suffered so much in my life because I've realized that all the usual stress everyone else goes through in college and military was multiplied by 1000 for me. I'm surprised that I'm not already in a mental hospital with the amount of stress I've survived all on my own. My family is as toxic as it gets, with a mean drunk for a father. My mother is as co-dependent as it gets. Anytime one of us kids complains about our issues her defense is "oh your father and I did a great job, grow up." So, I have realized I'm alone on this planet. I have a boyfriend; don't really want to go there. But, life has been a rollercoaster ride with SEVERE ups and downs. I wish I could learn how to relax. It's the number one thing that all therapists have tried with no success. I have taken many prescription drugs. Some made me fat, others made me suicidal, some made me absolutely 1000 times worse. Now I just forcefully control my every thought, and I'm getting super exhausted. There are days where I wish I could pull the brain plug just to take a relaxing nap. Naps are impossible for me; been so my entire life.